Some thoughts.

We talked a little bit. Not much. I told him that his catholic comment had really hurt me, and that I hadn't let it go. It was mean and totally unfair of him to say it. I asked him also if he had given it another thought since then. Nope. Not a sinlge one. Though, I'm not surprised.

He said he was sorry. But he didn't apologize profusely or in a very convincing manner. He just said it. But I think it deserved a little more. We talked about how I had previous males in my life who were willing to show me what they would do for me. He asked me what I was comparing him to. Well, I told him that I just wanted to know if he would do anything to make me happy. He said of course. But then I had to remind him that it means less if I have to tell him to say something to me. Something that I want to hear. So then I brought up the annullment. Would he do that for me?

He asked if that was what I wanted from him. As proof that he loves me, or would do anything for me. I told him I know that he loves me. I just don't understand why he wouldn't do it. His answer? He said that he is not a practicing catholic and it brings up a whole lot of mess. I don't see the mess. He also told me that he felt really uncomfortable baptizing our children. Because at the time, we were not practicing our faith. I understand that, but I too know it's the right thing. And my ultimate goal was to continue or start going to church again.

I just feel that we are slipping. I also told him that I am losing confidence. He asked in what. I really couldn't tell him, "in us." He went to work. I know now that things would be pretty much the same if we had stayed in the states. Things are not the same because we are here. I feel alone. And I don't have much to do during the day. I feel stuck. And he doesn't do much to try to talk to me. I even told him last night that I wondered if things would be different if I were here with anybody but him. Would they try to make me feel any happier? I'm not sure what he thought about that statement, he didn't say.

I love my husband, but he is so distant, and he doesn't communicate well. And there is a gap growing. I can feel it. I can't stop thinking about just coming home. And I don't mean home here. Because this apartment is not my home.

Spouse was a bit aggressive yesterday to our son. Again, I don't like how mean he can be. It's really not necessary. I mean, it is because the boy is beyond difficult, but he loses his temper and lately he has started shouting things I disapprove of greatly. He says to him, "Get your ass down, off, over here", whatever. I just don't think he needs to say ass. Soon the kid will be repeating it. I never say that. He also said last night, Jesus Christ. To the boy. I know better than anyone on earth exactly how difficult he can be. Why does he get to be the only one who shows this much frustration? I am the one who gets to stay home with him during the day. Does he forget?

Also, we have a cleaning lady that comes during the week. But come weekends, spouse does nothing to help keep the place clean. I wash dishes over and over again. He cooks. That's great. We used to have a system. When he cooks, I clean up afterward. And when I cook, he cleans. Well somewhere, it all stopped. And I still have to clean up after I cook. So you can see my disinterest in cooking. So I let him do it.

As for the kids, I would say that I do about 92% of anything that needs to be done for them. Simple things like brushing teeth, getting them dressed, helping to take them to the potty. All me. 92% of the time anyway. I know he would argue this point or say something like, "Well, but you are here, and I am at work." But I'm not talking about those times. I'm talking about WHEN he is here. He sleeps in, while I get up at 6:30 to get cups of milk. Because I can't make them sleep later. I'm the one up with them. Like I always have been.

I remember asking him for a break. Back in the states. I asked him to let me have some time while he took the kids. I never got it. I remember telling him that I would go to a hotel and check in, just so I could get that break. I thought he would take me seriously. He didn't.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I told him last night that I was unhappy. I feel like a fraud. I try to act happy. So those around me don't see. But why. Who am I trying to protect? I told spouse he needs to try harder. Shouldn't I be doing the same? Where do we go from here? I mean, there are worse things. My mother would surely tell me. It's not like he has cheated on me or anything. A lot of women have worse things in their lives to deal with. Am I just pathetic? Am I just homesick? Will this all just pass? But also, am I settling? Don't I deserve the best? Don't I deserve to be treasured? Or is marriage just OK. Average. Nothing outstanding. I don't know. What I do know is that I think this may be the point where some counseling would be in order. Yeah. Not so easy in our current location. Hmmm.