Thoughts.

Is what I'm feeling just a phase? Will it pass? Will I get over this crushing feeling I have to get out of here? What is it that I don't like? Well, at least that's an easy one. I feel alone. I feel stranded. I feel utterly lonely and helpless. I cannot stand to feel this way. I've never felt this way in my life. And I feel miserable on the inside. Because I have repeatedly now, told my spouse about how I've thought of leaving him here. He doesn't think I am being serious. So even my words are some how empty. And that too hurts. That the one person in this world who is really supposed to be on my side, somehow does not even put stock into what I'm saying. I feel like I am putting my life on hold to be here.

I have my nursing career put on hold. It seems that I will never see it again. I don't even know who I am really. And yet I sit here and think of what leaving would mean to my mother in law. She would be so angry. And his father. Saddened. But probably for his son. And not for me. But I wonder too, who is thinking of me? Who is putting me first? Who cares about what I want? I feel like I'm drowning down here. In an unfamiliar place. I haven't even really told my family how I feel. Or they too, would be pushing for me to come back. And I know that that would not be helpful to me.

I've had a talk with my spouse about the catholic thing. But again, he doesn't mention it. And I am quite sure he never will again. Unless of course he's forced to. By me. But I can't shake the feeling that things are just on the brink of falling apart. I told him I would try harder. To be positive, and to make things work out for us here. But in return, he promised nothing. And that inaction was heard and felt by me. He seems all too content to be here, to go through the daily motions of our lives. But I struggle with each day. I don't do anything. Partly because I don't have a means to get around. We live pretty far away from the other American families out there.
And when I do walk around, I cringe when someone stops me to talk to me. Maybe they have a question for me, maybe they want to ask me the time or where something is? I feel like a freak. Though this is totally unfounded, I still feel awkward.

I've been to the mall alone with the children before. And it wasn't a pleasant experience. Not like the mall should be, not like my favorite place to be ever felt before. It just felt wrong. And I am trying here. But I don't know even if that is enough.

I think about other couples who go overseas together. How come it works for them? My own mother did it. How did she feel? How did her spouse make her feel while they were there? Maybe the problem isn't entirely just me being here. Maybe it's more than that? Honestly think I could use some advice now. Some marital advice.

Ha. And where could I find that?