So, we spoke.

He didn't seem too happy about it, when I told him I was really thinking about going home. Without him, and taking his children. Look, I know it's a big deal. Really. And I have thought a lot about this. But I still feel how I feel. He was not thrilled. He wanted me to realize that this isn't an easy situation. Duh. They would cut his pay. Well, maybe I knew that part. He still is trying to make me feel bad. I do. He doesn't need to try.

We went out to dinner. I know that this was an effort on his part to make me see that he is trying. I'm not going to just run out of here with his kids. And I'm not leaving soon. I am going to give us some time. We get our car soon and I am going to make the best of things. But I still honestly see me leaving.

On a lighter note, he drank too much at dinner. He had 2 liquor drinks and then we shared a bottle of red wine, then topped off with a drink on the house from the bar. Some apple something or other. YUMMMM! I'm not kidding. It was delish!

On our walk home, he hurled by a tree. Not hidden. Just kind of in plain view. Geesh. I was feeling rather in love with the peanuts that they sat in front of me. OMG. They tasted so good! Serves him right. Don't drink so much, or rather, not so many combinations of stuff.

Not a good way to end the night. Especially when you are trying to make your spouse feel wanted and special. ((rolling eyes))

The definition.

Selfless
having little or no concern for oneself, unselfish.

So last night I told spouse about my parents offering for me to come and stay with them. He asked if I told them that I hate it here. In fact, I did not. I just merely told them how much I miss it. And that it's weird.

So after he processed it, he said to me, "Don't go." Hmmm. The only thing he could think of in his head was for me to take an extended visit when 9 months from now, we will take our vacation back. 9 months from now, when we finally get to leave, I can take an extended stay. That's his solution.

Gee, that's rather selfless of him. Here I sit, worried about all the people in my life that would think badly of me, and most of all him. I worry how this would affect him. So yeah, I would probably stay here if he threw a fit or told me don't go, or stay. I would make the sacrifice, as I already have. I would continue doing so. Why couldn't he just say, "Honey, whatever makes you happy, is what I want." Why does he have to care about himself more?

I didn't tell him how I really feel. I'm still protecting him. At an expense. I can't stop thinking now about the things that I am letting slip by. I've thought recently about going back to school. But I can't. Not in this foreign country. But I didn't tell him that. Our lines of communication aren't the best. I worry too about his parents and how disappointed they would be in me. I cringe at the thought.

Yet, when I told him that, he didn't say anything. I guess because he knows it's true. They would be very sad, mad, or whatever.

Or better yet, why doesn't he try on a daily basis to talk to me more? Again, whatever.

My parents only made the offer yesterday. And I could totally see me going there to stay with them. I would feel insanely bad about leaving him here, but I could do it. I would feel worse about taking the children away for that length of time. But we would have family there, and best of all, I would be happy.

I don't know what to do. Especially since spouse is incredibly imperceptive. He won't bring this up again.

I'm just not sure I'm the type of person who was meant for this kind of assignment. I'm not so sure.

Thoughts.

Is what I'm feeling just a phase? Will it pass? Will I get over this crushing feeling I have to get out of here? What is it that I don't like? Well, at least that's an easy one. I feel alone. I feel stranded. I feel utterly lonely and helpless. I cannot stand to feel this way. I've never felt this way in my life. And I feel miserable on the inside. Because I have repeatedly now, told my spouse about how I've thought of leaving him here. He doesn't think I am being serious. So even my words are some how empty. And that too hurts. That the one person in this world who is really supposed to be on my side, somehow does not even put stock into what I'm saying. I feel like I am putting my life on hold to be here.

I have my nursing career put on hold. It seems that I will never see it again. I don't even know who I am really. And yet I sit here and think of what leaving would mean to my mother in law. She would be so angry. And his father. Saddened. But probably for his son. And not for me. But I wonder too, who is thinking of me? Who is putting me first? Who cares about what I want? I feel like I'm drowning down here. In an unfamiliar place. I haven't even really told my family how I feel. Or they too, would be pushing for me to come back. And I know that that would not be helpful to me.

I've had a talk with my spouse about the catholic thing. But again, he doesn't mention it. And I am quite sure he never will again. Unless of course he's forced to. By me. But I can't shake the feeling that things are just on the brink of falling apart. I told him I would try harder. To be positive, and to make things work out for us here. But in return, he promised nothing. And that inaction was heard and felt by me. He seems all too content to be here, to go through the daily motions of our lives. But I struggle with each day. I don't do anything. Partly because I don't have a means to get around. We live pretty far away from the other American families out there.
And when I do walk around, I cringe when someone stops me to talk to me. Maybe they have a question for me, maybe they want to ask me the time or where something is? I feel like a freak. Though this is totally unfounded, I still feel awkward.

I've been to the mall alone with the children before. And it wasn't a pleasant experience. Not like the mall should be, not like my favorite place to be ever felt before. It just felt wrong. And I am trying here. But I don't know even if that is enough.

I think about other couples who go overseas together. How come it works for them? My own mother did it. How did she feel? How did her spouse make her feel while they were there? Maybe the problem isn't entirely just me being here. Maybe it's more than that? Honestly think I could use some advice now. Some marital advice.

Ha. And where could I find that?