Some thoughts.

We talked a little bit. Not much. I told him that his catholic comment had really hurt me, and that I hadn't let it go. It was mean and totally unfair of him to say it. I asked him also if he had given it another thought since then. Nope. Not a sinlge one. Though, I'm not surprised.

He said he was sorry. But he didn't apologize profusely or in a very convincing manner. He just said it. But I think it deserved a little more. We talked about how I had previous males in my life who were willing to show me what they would do for me. He asked me what I was comparing him to. Well, I told him that I just wanted to know if he would do anything to make me happy. He said of course. But then I had to remind him that it means less if I have to tell him to say something to me. Something that I want to hear. So then I brought up the annullment. Would he do that for me?

He asked if that was what I wanted from him. As proof that he loves me, or would do anything for me. I told him I know that he loves me. I just don't understand why he wouldn't do it. His answer? He said that he is not a practicing catholic and it brings up a whole lot of mess. I don't see the mess. He also told me that he felt really uncomfortable baptizing our children. Because at the time, we were not practicing our faith. I understand that, but I too know it's the right thing. And my ultimate goal was to continue or start going to church again.

I just feel that we are slipping. I also told him that I am losing confidence. He asked in what. I really couldn't tell him, "in us." He went to work. I know now that things would be pretty much the same if we had stayed in the states. Things are not the same because we are here. I feel alone. And I don't have much to do during the day. I feel stuck. And he doesn't do much to try to talk to me. I even told him last night that I wondered if things would be different if I were here with anybody but him. Would they try to make me feel any happier? I'm not sure what he thought about that statement, he didn't say.

I love my husband, but he is so distant, and he doesn't communicate well. And there is a gap growing. I can feel it. I can't stop thinking about just coming home. And I don't mean home here. Because this apartment is not my home.

Spouse was a bit aggressive yesterday to our son. Again, I don't like how mean he can be. It's really not necessary. I mean, it is because the boy is beyond difficult, but he loses his temper and lately he has started shouting things I disapprove of greatly. He says to him, "Get your ass down, off, over here", whatever. I just don't think he needs to say ass. Soon the kid will be repeating it. I never say that. He also said last night, Jesus Christ. To the boy. I know better than anyone on earth exactly how difficult he can be. Why does he get to be the only one who shows this much frustration? I am the one who gets to stay home with him during the day. Does he forget?

Also, we have a cleaning lady that comes during the week. But come weekends, spouse does nothing to help keep the place clean. I wash dishes over and over again. He cooks. That's great. We used to have a system. When he cooks, I clean up afterward. And when I cook, he cleans. Well somewhere, it all stopped. And I still have to clean up after I cook. So you can see my disinterest in cooking. So I let him do it.

As for the kids, I would say that I do about 92% of anything that needs to be done for them. Simple things like brushing teeth, getting them dressed, helping to take them to the potty. All me. 92% of the time anyway. I know he would argue this point or say something like, "Well, but you are here, and I am at work." But I'm not talking about those times. I'm talking about WHEN he is here. He sleeps in, while I get up at 6:30 to get cups of milk. Because I can't make them sleep later. I'm the one up with them. Like I always have been.

I remember asking him for a break. Back in the states. I asked him to let me have some time while he took the kids. I never got it. I remember telling him that I would go to a hotel and check in, just so I could get that break. I thought he would take me seriously. He didn't.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I told him last night that I was unhappy. I feel like a fraud. I try to act happy. So those around me don't see. But why. Who am I trying to protect? I told spouse he needs to try harder. Shouldn't I be doing the same? Where do we go from here? I mean, there are worse things. My mother would surely tell me. It's not like he has cheated on me or anything. A lot of women have worse things in their lives to deal with. Am I just pathetic? Am I just homesick? Will this all just pass? But also, am I settling? Don't I deserve the best? Don't I deserve to be treasured? Or is marriage just OK. Average. Nothing outstanding. I don't know. What I do know is that I think this may be the point where some counseling would be in order. Yeah. Not so easy in our current location. Hmmm.

I'm not that Catholic.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Spouse was married before me. And for a while. He was married by a priest the first time. And although he has since had a legal divorce, and has legally been remarried to me, the Catholic church has a little bit different way of looking at things. They believe that in order to get a divorce there needs to be sufficient reasoning behind it. A cheating spouse will suffice. And there you have it. So he was free to get the divorce, and to dissolve a Catholic marriage, you have to go through the proper channels. It's very very complicated. But it's called an annullment. Paperwork must be filed, and you have to have witnesses. The catholic church then mails out these forms to the ex-spouse, the witnesses and then waits to see what their response is. We were told that no matter what their responses are, they will side with the person who wants the annullment. Most times. Especially given the reasons that he has supplied. Even if ex-spouse were to spout off her filthy and deranged mouth, they would truly see the kind of person she is, or they would see how she failed to respond if she chose to do that. Whatever. We were told that the process could take up to 2 years. But most times it takes about 1 year.

I told spouse that I would like for him to do it. It bothers me. I am Catholic. Born and raised. But not strictly. Somewhere in my younger days, we just kind of stopped going to church. But I still believed. I still don't go to church to this day, but I'm a praying kind of girl.

As recently as when my first born child was small, I wanted to start going to church again. For my child. Well, I wanted to complete my religious training so to speak. I had not yet been confirmed by the catholic church. Another process. But you go to a Sunday group at church and talk about the religion, that kind of thing. Well as it turns out, I can't even do that. Because I have been married, but the Catholic faith doesn't recognize my marriage, since my spouse has not had an annullment to dissolve his first marriage.

I told him that. He seems unbothered. I guess he doesn't want to go through the hassles. It is a hassle. But aren't I worth it?

Do you know what he told me?

We were talking about the whole process and I was trying to get him to go ahead with it, and he was spouting off some crap about how it was going to be a long process or something else insignificant that I can't recall right now. But he said to me, "Honestly, You're not that Catholic."

So this shouldn't matter to me that much right? The words still sting. To this day. I felt the shards of the words as they flew straight into my heart. Sinking in little by little. I still can't believe he said that to me.

What is wrong here?

I gave the kids a bath the other day, in the middle of the day, when he wasn't around. Mostly because I'm just waiting to see if spouse will notice that the kids haven't been bathed, in oh say a week. Does he notice? Does he care? Or is that just MY JOB? To take care of the kids. What happened to 50/50 parenting? Where is my help? One of my children has never been bathed by daddy. In two years. The other, I made him do it. Shouldn't he want to bathe the kids? Shouldn't a parent want to spend some time with the kids when they splash about in the tub? It's fun for the kids. Why wouldn't he want to do that? What the hell is wrong here?

Sometimes, really...WTF?

Yesterday my husband was in rare form. Maybe spending so much time with the kids isn't good for him. Because he can't handle them. They stress him out. Like I've never seen. And that's not good. My son is difficult to handle on his best days. And even I get a little wigged out. (Is that a word, a real term?) At any rate, my son was being bad. And my spouse was getting irritated and just yelling at him. He has a man's voice, so it's deep, and when he yells it gets worse. Well my son did something childlike and stupid and threw his cup on the floor along with some rice. My husband kind of snapped with his patience, and he grabbed our son and forcefully plopped him back into his seat, and yelled at him even more aggressively than before.



At this point, my son started to cry. He wanted mommy. He was scared. He always tells me when I yell or daddy yells that it scares him, so I knew that he really meant it. I stopped eating to just scowl at my husband. Why was he being such an ass? Couldn't he try to be a little more compassionate as our son has been sick this week with fever and throwing up? Could he? No? I wasn't eating. Just scowling. I asked my son to come see me, I hugged him and calmed him down. My spouse says to me, "If you just baby him, then he is always going to act like this."

Nice. That went over really well with me. First of all, my son was scared, he always says that he is scared when he gets yelled at. If he spent any amount of real time with him, he would know that. Second, how would he know how our child really feels? Third, I can baby my 3 year old all that I want. Especially when he is sick, especially when he is getting yelled at for no good reason. Yes the child is difficult, yes he drives me crazy too. But there are times when you can and should rightfully yell at him. But this, in my opinion, was not one of those times.

I told my spouse that I felt uncomfortable. And this pretty much tipped him the wrong way. You could see his face change. As if I just told him some horrible news. He looked angry. Now let me clarify that when I say uncomfortable I don't mean "scared", I just meant that I did not like the way that the situation was being handled, or how he was acting. Or what he said and how he said that I was taking his side. I wasn't aware that there were sides to choose.

He was being an ass. And he told me that he was very angry at my comment of being uncomfortable. He said that it implied that I was scared or terrified that he might do something that would endanger our safety. Once I clarified my statement, he still didn't seem any better. Said we would talk about it later. (We didn't.)

I just don't like the short fuse he has for our son. I know better than anybody, exactly how difficult he is. And it drives me up the wall when my husband is in the house for 20 minutes and loses his patience. He does this a little more than I'd like to see.

And this morning. First, let me share that my son is a renowned puker. As a baby, there wasn't a week that would go by that he didn't throw up at least once. And when he was sick, or shall I say, is sick, he pukes. Well this morning he was coughing. That is the first sign that you. MOVE. YOUR. ASS. And spouse just slowly sits up on the bed, and encourages this 3 year old to go to the bathroom. yeah. While he sits by and does nothing. I pretended to be asleep since spouse was already wide awake. I wanted to see how he would handle this. Son didn't really know what to do with himself. But he wandered back to the bed. And he still coughed. I could hear it coming. And spouse then got out of the bed, but then realizing it was too late, son lets it go all over the floor.

I looked up at spouse and said, "That's all on you." He looked incredibly annoyed with my statement and said, "Enough." But of course I don't think so. I retorted, "I can go on and on if I like, you were the one who basically ignored him." He was thoroughly unhappy as he had to clean up the child's vomit. At least it was off of a hard floor and not carpet.

And you want to know what else? This isn't the first time this has happened. You would have thought he might have learned by now. When son was tiny, he was coughing after being fed, and I told spouse, "You better move." To which he did not. It gave me a nice smirk to see my son cover the entire front of spouse's chest with the contents of his stomach. Good one son.

Well we didn't iron anything out last night. I guess after our dinner, he felt better and just wanted to make believe that it didn't happen. Whatever.

I guess I'm just irritated about any one of a number of things. Like, why can't he compliment my hair color?? Because he's a man and can't notice the insignificant yet subtle change of my hair? Well, I might give him that, had he not seen me actually put the chemicals on my hair. I might accept that.

But the fact that I am blogging about this, alone tells me that I am not OK with it. His inattention to me. Don't get me started on the whole ignoring bit. I will save that one for later.

Yeah. Right.

So last night, we were watching TV. And then this low budget porn thing is on one of the channels. In foreign countries, TV programming is definitely different than the United States. And my husband stops. Of course, he's a man. He is hard wired to stop when he sees naked women. Whatever. But for some reason, I am more easily annoyed than I ever have been before. And normally, this kind of programming wouldn't offend me. Really, not in the least. But last night it did. Big time.

So I just ignored it. I focused my attention to my laptop. And then my husband leans in closer to me. After chugging a few beers I might add. If you don't already have this piece of information tucked into your brain somewhere, I'll share my tidbit of knowledge with you. Heineken beer is stinky. It smells stinky in the container, and after you drink it, even stinkier. Trust me. I know this. Like I said, he was leaning in close to my face, close to my body. And he says to me, "When can I get you naked like that?"

No. I'm not kidding. I didn't have a response for him either. I just stared at him. Was he serious? Was that his idea of foreplay? Did he think that his statement was a turn on? Seriously? I thought I was going to have to smack him. I'm not sure what I said next, I'm not sure if I even spoke. But the next thing I know, he was snoring. Phew!

After I pulled my head out of my computer bliss, I noticed that he left the channel on. I had to get out of the bed to go and fetch the remote that he left over on his bedside table. Nice.

OK. So now I hear him complaining about my son having an accident in his pants. Fantastic. Instead of just changing him, he complains to me. Who do I have to complain to when he's at work? Oh that's right, I don't complain. I just take care of the mess. Why can't he do the same?

Someone is getting on momma's last nerve.

Fury.

As a military wife, I am supposed to accept the crappy get togethers that are required of my husband. And for 8 and half years I have done just that. The other night, while in a foreign country, my husband was asked to go out. And as a military man, I know that they all are strong armed into going. I've known this for a long while. In his defense, he had been asked to go out before during the week, but he turned them down. It was a Friday night. And he had to go this time. Well, not had to.

The guys came over at a little before 8 pm. And starting the evening off this late, I did not expect him to come home early. Maybe 1, or 2. Well, as it turns out, I am left with the kids. Of course kids can't go to bars. And I take care of them, bathe them, and put them to bed. I cannot sleep well, as I know he is out. I finally did make it to sleep somewhere around midnight. And I slept. I didn't wake up again until my son was standing at my bedside asking where daddy was.

I told him to go back to sleep, because daddy would be home in a little while. After tucking him in, I checked the clock. It was 4 a.m. Yeah. That's good. I went to double check the time in some other place, just in case that clock was off. It was indeed that late. Being in a foreign country has some perks, but many disadvantages. One of which being that our home phone does not dial cell phones. I'm not kidding.

So I had to call the embassy and ask that they call his cell number for me. That's kind of embarrassing. Or at least it should be, to him. They logged my name and time that the call was made. And patched me through. My husband answered, so there was at least a sigh of relief for me that he was in fact OK. But then left the burning question, "What the fuck are you still doing out there?"

My blood pulsed quickly through my veins as I waited for some type of response. And some crappy ass excuse came out of his mouth about how he knew it was late and the guys were going to leave, but then didn't and how they were his ride and all. Basically just crap.

My husband made it home by 4:45 am. And he stunk. Like a bar, like cigarettes and beer. And then he climbed into bed with me and I cringed. He apologized repeatedly, but I really wasn't buying it. It was just wrong.

He told me that they went to a stripper bar, and some other bars too. Well, fucking fine and dandy. Did he need to go out and party for 8 hours? Was this the kind of person that he really wants to be? He never acts like this. Ever. So it's incredibly hard to stomach when he does.
And being at the mercy of other people because we don't have our car here yet, is totally unacceptable.

He kept apologizing. He got out of the bed to go and dry heave over the toilet. Serves him right.
It's totally not in his nature to be this callous and uncaring about his family. Because he leaves me at home at night to take care of them alone. And then the next day when he's sleeping because he was out looking at half naked women and drinking it up with his buddies from work, I am again supposed to take the kids and keep them quiet so he can sleep.

Can you even begin to imagine how irate I was? How much fury I felt towards this man? This man who never goes out with the guys, never gives me even one ounce of worry. When he goes off and then totally disregards us that way? Could you imagine if the shoe were on the other foot? What would he have done if I were out that late? Leaving him behind with the kids?
Yeah. That would NEVER happen.

I guess I'm still not really over this. This little incident occurred about 3 weeks ago. And still, even writing about it makes me sick. It makes me want to slap him just for being so disrespectful to us. But mostly to me. He knew better than to touch me that night. I think I would have ripped his whole fucking hand off.