Don't say that.

I forgot to mention that he said two things to the boy yesterday. Two things that I would never allow any one else to say to my child. Ever.

The first, my boy was playing with daddy's treasured ipod. Afterwards, he was getting a bit rambunctious. I seriously think the kid just wanted some love and attention from his father. And instead, the spouse gets irritated with him. And since the boy was poking the husband, he had told him to stop repeatedly. Of course the boy did not stop. The husband's response? If you don't stop hitting me with your hand like that, I'm going to break it off.

Really? You say that? I told him immediately not to talk to him that way.

Later on that way the boy was once again acting up. It's what he does best. Well he was irritating his dad yet again. He was playing with some toy, and I think at some point he was hitting his father. I heard my husband say this, "IF you hit me with that one more time, I'm going to make you eat it."

Really? Again? I can't even tell you the depths of my disappointment. Who the hell does he think he is? And why is this OK that he speaks to him that way? Yeah, right. It's not OK.

All day yesterday my son was running around the house saying "bad daddy", "bad daddy", "we are leaving and you aren't coming." And then he was pretending to shoot him. See? My child may only be 4, but he knows when someone is treating him wrong. And it just breaks my heart to see that.

But I can't allow this either. This means more to me than what is happening between him and me. My son (both of my kids) are my responsibility. And it's my job to protect them.

sigh.

And the husband just moped all day yesterday. I told him that "I give up." He asked me on what. I told him "you." I said that I just can't be worried with his feelings. Especially when he won't share them with me. I asked him over and over to talk to me, I asked him what's wrong. Even though I know full well that it's me and the kids leaving that is what is wrong with him. But, that is how he chose to spend our last day together. Mad. Moping, sad, angry. And I also told him that I was so infuriated with him that if I could... I would jump up and down and stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs. Because I was THAT frustrated with him for the way that he was acting. Again. Nothing from him.

All day long he didn't do anything where the kids were concerned. Yeah, he got them some milk at night time. Good for him. He didn't get them changed, at all or help with brushing their teeth, or reading stories. Play with them? Yeah right.

If you ask him, he would absolutely want credit for cleaning a little bit. He swept the living room, hallway, and kids rooms. He also barked orders at the boy to clean his room. So there. He did do something. Kudos to him. And in the process, he makes everyone feel bad.

He is taking us to the airport tonight. I can't wait to get on the plane. I need a break. From him.

One more night.

We had a talk last night. I told him that I suspected he might be cheating on me. He explained over and over that the only reason behind is actions is absolute and sheer stupidity. For taking me for granted, for not treating me the way that I deserve to be treated. He agreed that he was not doing a good job.

And as for Friday night, he went to that bbq, and came home 4 hours later than expected without even so much as a phone call. I was pretty upset about that. And he didn't have anything to say. Just "I'm sorry." And honestly, I'm sorry, just doesn't make me feel any better.

Today, even though we spoke about him helping me out more, he layed in bed until 11:15. Now that he is up, he is sweeping and cleaning a bit. But still. I was the one taking care of the kids. Again. So. I'm just glad that I can put this on the back burner for a while.

I don't think it would be fair to make a decision while we still live in Chile. That would be wrong. At least in my eyes it would be.

He brought me a picture of our wedding day. He asked if I remembered that day. Of course I do. But why did he bring it? What is he thinking? If he has something to say, God please just let him say it. I can't take this song and dance. I can't take any more of his "withholding" his thoughts, his emotions. I just can't.

Earlier, he was walking around with an angry look on his face. I asked him what was wrong.
He said nothing. I am going to snap. I told him I couldn't take much more of this.

Anyway. That's what is going on here. I think he is mad once again because we are leaving. But he has to do better. He can't keep making me feel like shit just because we go.

would you....

believe me if I told you that he was sleeping again? He is.

And the son was trying like mad to get attention from him. I told the spouse that he was being so bad because he wants to play with his daddy. And wouldn't you know it?? The boy calmed down after the spouse put away his ipod and gave the kid some attention. See?? Was that so hard?

I made muffins with the kids. And he lays in the bed.

Is it any wonder that I feel the way that I do??

Minor Irritations.

So we couldn't find the prized Ipod this morning. I could tell that he was going to be really pissed if it didn't resurface. The boy had it in his room. It was in his bed, as he was playing with it after everyone else went to bed. Stinker. It kind of makes me laugh. But the spouse was angry with him. How can you be mad at the kid, when it's such a cool thing to play with?? If you don't want the kid to mess with it, you should make a better effort to put it away and out of his reach. Plain and simple.

We went out to dinner last night. My night off from cooking, so it was nice. We had two pitchers of beer. And when we got home, The spouse went straight to bed. I didn't think it was going to go down like that, but I can honestly say that I'm not surprised. He's being an ass again to the kids.

I have a horrible headache. It must be from all the alcohol. But I stayed up last night and drank lots of water. But still. So he knows I have a headache. Do you think he would get up and feed the children breakfast? Or even put food in the cats bowl? No. He didn't. But two points for him, he actually got them some milk.

Now he is showering. I feel irritable. Towards him, for his lack of wanting to do more around here. And also for the way that he is threatening these kids. I asked him last night what it was that I was contradicting him on the other night when he was screaming at the kids like a mad man. He said that he was "punishing them" and that by me taking them outside to play, it was like letting them off the hook. I think he is full of crap. He was not punishing them, he was berating them. He was screaming at them to pick up toys.

Prior to the whole incident, I was planning on taking them outside. And shortly after I asked him to take them out, and before his run, he went a bit nuts. I don't think that the play room and the kids' bedrooms were that messy. But oh well, what the hell do I know? And then he started doing all kinds of cleaning, and then took a shower. (yes, before a run. I know, pointless) Which by the way, he went to run a mile and a half and then got in bed afterwards and went to sleep. Yes. He. Did. That is just gross.

My head hurts. I took some ibuprofen. And now I have to go take care of my kiddos. Even with him here, I feel like a single parent. I do everything for them anyway. One might want to argue that he is supplying the money that funds this operation. And I would concede that point, but if it came down to it, I could certainly step up and take the reigns.

I'm tired. I hope he fixes his attitude today.

It's been a while.

I feel like I'm back where I started from. So much has happened. And then so much has not. And by that, I mean change.

I left in November of last year. And I felt happy again. It was amazing. I forgot what it felt like. During that time, certain things stick out. Like when my mother was video taping the kids, she got me while I was on the phone with the spouse. The part that was striking, was the look on my face, the darkness that was around me, the demeanor and way in which I held myself. I had no idea until I watched the video. I looked so unhappy. So sad. It was a real eye opener. My parents never said anything to me. But it was obvious. Anyone with a pair of eyes could see it.

Christmas Eve, my husband was trying to walk out on us. My whole family was in the house. All 4 kids were asleep, and he wanted to go to a hotel. He was going to take my car. But I didn't even want him to have that. It wasn't 'his' car. It was mine. And I didn't want him to take it and just leave. So I offered to drive him. I don't even remember how things went down. But he didn't go. I don't know that I could have forgiven him, if he left me to explain all of that to his FOUR children on Christmas morning why their father was not there. Nor could I bear to explain it to my family either. He didn't go.

But it's November now, again. And I am in Chile. Again. I don't think much has changed. Except that I have decided to forgive him for telling me that "I'm not that Catholic." I've also decided to let it go, and stay in the past, the fact that I bought my own diamond ring. I haven't brought it up, or used it against him in any way shape or form. I also haven't let it get me down. I'm just writing it now to say that I think that's the only thing that has happened.

He felt that when I left last time, that in essence, I left him. That we were going to be through. We spoke on the phone a lot, but it was always rushed, or uncomfortable. There was always very much of his attitude that I had to deal with. Attitude that I had done something wrong, and therefor should be punished by him.

I don't know what is supposed to happen with us. But I feel as alone as I ever had before. He still doesn't talk to me, not really. I don't know where to go from here. I honestly just don't.
I've thought about getting a divorce. But it breaks my heart to think about it. It breaks my heart for my children.

Last night the spouse was acting a bit deranged. He was screaming at the kids like he was some kind of drill sergeant. I hate that. I hated it. And then he had the balls to tell me that I was undermining him. I wasn't exactly clear on what I was doing to contradict his authority. But he insisted that I was, and that if I continued to treat them like babies, then they would never listen. He was acting like a complete asshole. It was last night that I thought about leaving him again.

He never apologized. I knew that he wouldn't. When he got back from his run, he just acted like it never happened.

I'm getting tired of doing the majority of the work around here. I'm getting tired of feeling like I don't deserve any better than this. I'm tired of being second to his job. I completely understand his job, and respect that it is what puts a roof over our heads and food on the table. But I am tired of feeling less important.

I do believe he is failing as a husband.

Mother's Day 2009. He sleeps in until 11 a.m. I get up early with the kids, fix breakfast, wash dishes, play with the kids. When he gets out of bed at 11:30, he offers me a half assed "happy mother's day..." But I think in part that it was half assed because he knew that he failed. His attempt was pathetic. And nearly useless. The damage had already been done. He didn't buy me anything. (We have money.) Not a card. Not a gift, or even chocolates. Mother's Day was almost entirely overlooked.

So. What to do. It's never really easy is it? I just don't know.

I'm leaving.

And it really feels like I'm leaving him. Last night when he came home, I kind of wanted some peace away from him. I get mad. And over the weekend I was a bit disgruntled still. He lays around and takes a nap. Even when I was the one with the cold and feeling sluggish and not myself. I washed the dishes 3 times each day. For a grand total of 6 times over the weekend. He didn't do it once. He cooked. But then again, he kind of knows he either cooks or takes care of the kids. It's our arrangement. I can't usually cook with the kids pulling on my clothes and under foot. It's very hard.

And then he wants to take a nap. While he was gone for nearly two weeks a little while ago, I am willing to bet money that he got some good napping in. Big money. He gets off of work and would come back to an empty hotel room. And then he could nap if he wanted to. And then there were the weekends. He is the napping type. So I know he got to. I didn't ask. Because while he was gone, I didn't get one.

And then this past weekend he falls asleep both days. I begrudge him that nap. It's not like he would ever offer for me to take a nap while he watched the kids. Not even when I was so exhausted that I fell asleep with them pounding on toys and literally climbing on my body while I lay on the bed. It wasn't until I was jumped upon by a 35 pound child that I looked at him and asked him to take them to the other room so I could sleep a little bit.

I also get mad because he feels it is not his job to "refill" the kids cups with milk. Every morning and every night, the kids drink a cup of milk. And the only time the cups need a refill is at night, so that they are ready for morning. It's always inconvenient for him, or he forgets. Or damn it. It's just not his job. He doesn't really need to even think about it because I always do it. If I don't do it, just to see if he will step up, it means that I have to get up extra early to wash their cups or make the kids wait in the morning while I fix the milk. It's always easiest to have the milk ready in the fridge. Not to mention, I am tired in the mornings and it just flows better when it's already done.

So I've already tried the experiment of letting the kids get so dirty they were crusty. Just to see if he would say, "Gee, these kids really do need a bath." They got to the dirty point, but as a mommy, I just couldn't push it to the crusty point. So I bathed them. He couldn't care less. That's sad. And then he tells me that we are his family. And it's going to be so sad and hard to be away from us.

So then why does he seem to ignore us when we are here? Right in his face? I think if he treated me differently, if he adored me, and paid more attention to me, and basically tried harder, I would not want to be away from him. Isn't that how marriage is supposed to be? You don't want to be without the other person? Well, it makes me angry too when he gets home from work. He doesn't really play with his kids. He talks to them sure. He acts loving towards them yes. But he doesn't play with them. He sits down and he gets on the computer, or he eats dinner, and then watches tv. But nothing with them. And then he makes my blood boil if he yells at them because they are being bad. Or he loses his temper with them. He hasn't even been there for 1 hour and sometimes he yells like it's the end of the world. I could totally slap his face for that.

I have another male family member who notices things about the kids. One who marvels at their accomplishments and their wonder of the world around them. One who notices the little things. And I wonder how this male family member can see these things when their own dad either does not notice, or notices quietly and keeps it to himself. My husband is a total introvert. And it's going to be the death of us. I have never thought about not being with him, as in us not staying married.

I've never thought about those things until I moved here. Being totally alone in this type of environment has left me a lot of time to think. And as sad as it makes me, I've thought about a life without him. I can't even believe it. I can't believe that I'm saying it out loud. He doesn't do anything horrible to me, and to be honest, I don't have it that bad at all. So I feel bad for thinking about it too. But still. When he comes home, if I don't talk to him, sometimes he has nothing to say to me. And then when I ask him to talk to me, he asks me, "Well, what do you want to talk about?"

I can't imagine living this way forever. He's disconnected from me. And because he is so closed off, it pushes me away. And then forget the sex. It's not that it's bad. It's just that I prefer he not touch me. He is so mechanical it's not pretty. And I'm sure I could initiate or lead the way, but that would imply that I want to. I won't go into kissing. We don't do that. Do other married couples kiss? Do they?

I think there is something broken here. In fact I know it. But there is something very important that needs addressing first. And that is my sanity. As a human being, I know that in staying here, I might actually crack. And as I sat crying in my living room one day with my two most precious babies playing in the other room, I sat and prayed. I prayed for strength. Because if I didn't do something, I was going to lose myself. And before I do anything else, I need to be whole. I can't be a very good mommy if I am falling apart. So I got up, after my crying and praying, and I went to be with my kids. I had to give them the very best. So I hung on. And later on that evening when my husband decided to call, I told him that I had a very bad day. So bad in fact that I was getting ready to leave. He didn't offer much in trying to make me feel better. I told him it was the worst day for me ever. And then he started talking about our vacation that we were going to take some 9 months later. I brushed him off, and hung up. It was then that I made my airline reservations to leave.

And although I'm not technically walking away from him, I know that I am doing something good for me. Because I am changing my life. So that I can be happy. I deserve that. And I don't know what is to be of us, but right now that can't be the main focus. The main focus has to be me. For once.

You know, it would mean the world to me if he would move heaven and earth and try to make us first. Is he even capable? How would he know without a map and plans and me telling him what he needed to do. Or what to say. I don't know. And right now I am not going to think about it. I'm going to focus on my life and the kids. And making us happy. Because right now, right here, in this place, I'm miserable. So, I'm turning a new page. And God grant me the strength to get through this journey.

So, we spoke.

He didn't seem too happy about it, when I told him I was really thinking about going home. Without him, and taking his children. Look, I know it's a big deal. Really. And I have thought a lot about this. But I still feel how I feel. He was not thrilled. He wanted me to realize that this isn't an easy situation. Duh. They would cut his pay. Well, maybe I knew that part. He still is trying to make me feel bad. I do. He doesn't need to try.

We went out to dinner. I know that this was an effort on his part to make me see that he is trying. I'm not going to just run out of here with his kids. And I'm not leaving soon. I am going to give us some time. We get our car soon and I am going to make the best of things. But I still honestly see me leaving.

On a lighter note, he drank too much at dinner. He had 2 liquor drinks and then we shared a bottle of red wine, then topped off with a drink on the house from the bar. Some apple something or other. YUMMMM! I'm not kidding. It was delish!

On our walk home, he hurled by a tree. Not hidden. Just kind of in plain view. Geesh. I was feeling rather in love with the peanuts that they sat in front of me. OMG. They tasted so good! Serves him right. Don't drink so much, or rather, not so many combinations of stuff.

Not a good way to end the night. Especially when you are trying to make your spouse feel wanted and special. ((rolling eyes))