I'm leaving.

And it really feels like I'm leaving him. Last night when he came home, I kind of wanted some peace away from him. I get mad. And over the weekend I was a bit disgruntled still. He lays around and takes a nap. Even when I was the one with the cold and feeling sluggish and not myself. I washed the dishes 3 times each day. For a grand total of 6 times over the weekend. He didn't do it once. He cooked. But then again, he kind of knows he either cooks or takes care of the kids. It's our arrangement. I can't usually cook with the kids pulling on my clothes and under foot. It's very hard.

And then he wants to take a nap. While he was gone for nearly two weeks a little while ago, I am willing to bet money that he got some good napping in. Big money. He gets off of work and would come back to an empty hotel room. And then he could nap if he wanted to. And then there were the weekends. He is the napping type. So I know he got to. I didn't ask. Because while he was gone, I didn't get one.

And then this past weekend he falls asleep both days. I begrudge him that nap. It's not like he would ever offer for me to take a nap while he watched the kids. Not even when I was so exhausted that I fell asleep with them pounding on toys and literally climbing on my body while I lay on the bed. It wasn't until I was jumped upon by a 35 pound child that I looked at him and asked him to take them to the other room so I could sleep a little bit.

I also get mad because he feels it is not his job to "refill" the kids cups with milk. Every morning and every night, the kids drink a cup of milk. And the only time the cups need a refill is at night, so that they are ready for morning. It's always inconvenient for him, or he forgets. Or damn it. It's just not his job. He doesn't really need to even think about it because I always do it. If I don't do it, just to see if he will step up, it means that I have to get up extra early to wash their cups or make the kids wait in the morning while I fix the milk. It's always easiest to have the milk ready in the fridge. Not to mention, I am tired in the mornings and it just flows better when it's already done.

So I've already tried the experiment of letting the kids get so dirty they were crusty. Just to see if he would say, "Gee, these kids really do need a bath." They got to the dirty point, but as a mommy, I just couldn't push it to the crusty point. So I bathed them. He couldn't care less. That's sad. And then he tells me that we are his family. And it's going to be so sad and hard to be away from us.

So then why does he seem to ignore us when we are here? Right in his face? I think if he treated me differently, if he adored me, and paid more attention to me, and basically tried harder, I would not want to be away from him. Isn't that how marriage is supposed to be? You don't want to be without the other person? Well, it makes me angry too when he gets home from work. He doesn't really play with his kids. He talks to them sure. He acts loving towards them yes. But he doesn't play with them. He sits down and he gets on the computer, or he eats dinner, and then watches tv. But nothing with them. And then he makes my blood boil if he yells at them because they are being bad. Or he loses his temper with them. He hasn't even been there for 1 hour and sometimes he yells like it's the end of the world. I could totally slap his face for that.

I have another male family member who notices things about the kids. One who marvels at their accomplishments and their wonder of the world around them. One who notices the little things. And I wonder how this male family member can see these things when their own dad either does not notice, or notices quietly and keeps it to himself. My husband is a total introvert. And it's going to be the death of us. I have never thought about not being with him, as in us not staying married.

I've never thought about those things until I moved here. Being totally alone in this type of environment has left me a lot of time to think. And as sad as it makes me, I've thought about a life without him. I can't even believe it. I can't believe that I'm saying it out loud. He doesn't do anything horrible to me, and to be honest, I don't have it that bad at all. So I feel bad for thinking about it too. But still. When he comes home, if I don't talk to him, sometimes he has nothing to say to me. And then when I ask him to talk to me, he asks me, "Well, what do you want to talk about?"

I can't imagine living this way forever. He's disconnected from me. And because he is so closed off, it pushes me away. And then forget the sex. It's not that it's bad. It's just that I prefer he not touch me. He is so mechanical it's not pretty. And I'm sure I could initiate or lead the way, but that would imply that I want to. I won't go into kissing. We don't do that. Do other married couples kiss? Do they?

I think there is something broken here. In fact I know it. But there is something very important that needs addressing first. And that is my sanity. As a human being, I know that in staying here, I might actually crack. And as I sat crying in my living room one day with my two most precious babies playing in the other room, I sat and prayed. I prayed for strength. Because if I didn't do something, I was going to lose myself. And before I do anything else, I need to be whole. I can't be a very good mommy if I am falling apart. So I got up, after my crying and praying, and I went to be with my kids. I had to give them the very best. So I hung on. And later on that evening when my husband decided to call, I told him that I had a very bad day. So bad in fact that I was getting ready to leave. He didn't offer much in trying to make me feel better. I told him it was the worst day for me ever. And then he started talking about our vacation that we were going to take some 9 months later. I brushed him off, and hung up. It was then that I made my airline reservations to leave.

And although I'm not technically walking away from him, I know that I am doing something good for me. Because I am changing my life. So that I can be happy. I deserve that. And I don't know what is to be of us, but right now that can't be the main focus. The main focus has to be me. For once.

You know, it would mean the world to me if he would move heaven and earth and try to make us first. Is he even capable? How would he know without a map and plans and me telling him what he needed to do. Or what to say. I don't know. And right now I am not going to think about it. I'm going to focus on my life and the kids. And making us happy. Because right now, right here, in this place, I'm miserable. So, I'm turning a new page. And God grant me the strength to get through this journey.