It's been a while.

I feel like I'm back where I started from. So much has happened. And then so much has not. And by that, I mean change.

I left in November of last year. And I felt happy again. It was amazing. I forgot what it felt like. During that time, certain things stick out. Like when my mother was video taping the kids, she got me while I was on the phone with the spouse. The part that was striking, was the look on my face, the darkness that was around me, the demeanor and way in which I held myself. I had no idea until I watched the video. I looked so unhappy. So sad. It was a real eye opener. My parents never said anything to me. But it was obvious. Anyone with a pair of eyes could see it.

Christmas Eve, my husband was trying to walk out on us. My whole family was in the house. All 4 kids were asleep, and he wanted to go to a hotel. He was going to take my car. But I didn't even want him to have that. It wasn't 'his' car. It was mine. And I didn't want him to take it and just leave. So I offered to drive him. I don't even remember how things went down. But he didn't go. I don't know that I could have forgiven him, if he left me to explain all of that to his FOUR children on Christmas morning why their father was not there. Nor could I bear to explain it to my family either. He didn't go.

But it's November now, again. And I am in Chile. Again. I don't think much has changed. Except that I have decided to forgive him for telling me that "I'm not that Catholic." I've also decided to let it go, and stay in the past, the fact that I bought my own diamond ring. I haven't brought it up, or used it against him in any way shape or form. I also haven't let it get me down. I'm just writing it now to say that I think that's the only thing that has happened.

He felt that when I left last time, that in essence, I left him. That we were going to be through. We spoke on the phone a lot, but it was always rushed, or uncomfortable. There was always very much of his attitude that I had to deal with. Attitude that I had done something wrong, and therefor should be punished by him.

I don't know what is supposed to happen with us. But I feel as alone as I ever had before. He still doesn't talk to me, not really. I don't know where to go from here. I honestly just don't.
I've thought about getting a divorce. But it breaks my heart to think about it. It breaks my heart for my children.

Last night the spouse was acting a bit deranged. He was screaming at the kids like he was some kind of drill sergeant. I hate that. I hated it. And then he had the balls to tell me that I was undermining him. I wasn't exactly clear on what I was doing to contradict his authority. But he insisted that I was, and that if I continued to treat them like babies, then they would never listen. He was acting like a complete asshole. It was last night that I thought about leaving him again.

He never apologized. I knew that he wouldn't. When he got back from his run, he just acted like it never happened.

I'm getting tired of doing the majority of the work around here. I'm getting tired of feeling like I don't deserve any better than this. I'm tired of being second to his job. I completely understand his job, and respect that it is what puts a roof over our heads and food on the table. But I am tired of feeling less important.

I do believe he is failing as a husband.

Mother's Day 2009. He sleeps in until 11 a.m. I get up early with the kids, fix breakfast, wash dishes, play with the kids. When he gets out of bed at 11:30, he offers me a half assed "happy mother's day..." But I think in part that it was half assed because he knew that he failed. His attempt was pathetic. And nearly useless. The damage had already been done. He didn't buy me anything. (We have money.) Not a card. Not a gift, or even chocolates. Mother's Day was almost entirely overlooked.

So. What to do. It's never really easy is it? I just don't know.